| So I finally downloaded the live journal app for my iPod touch so now I can actually vent when I need to (ie when I'm curled up on the couch trying to destress). I need somewhere else to vent then faceboo cause my parents are on there, and well sometimes it's about them. Someone suggested that I make a different Facebook profile and well, my parents would find out somehow. This is just easier. I dunno how many people actually use this anymore that I know, so I may have to do a shout out on Facebook to find out and add people. But then again I don't really care if these rants ever reach someone. I just want to vent.
For example I have family visiting this week and next. My parents came down for two weeks and I was excited for that. I missed them. And I was looking forward for a week of just them and my fiancé. Well, that didn't happen...my grandmother who was supposed to show up Saturday decided she wanted to show up a few days early...and by a few days early I mean Tuesday... :/
So much for just me and my parents and fiancé. I love my grandmother but I wanted to do wedding planning without her around. Oh well.
But on the bright side I have a job now so that is keeping me busy. As much as I wish I would be home with them I'm kinda glad I'm not. I'm not being put to work at home with no pay. At least I'm making a little bit of money now. It's not much but it's something. Hopefully with lots of studying and hardworking I can work toward a better wage. Well, it's off to bed. I may be working 10:30am to 7pm but my parents are still waking me up at 6. >.< I need my sleeps!!!!! Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| Yeah, so since Cata came out, I've been hooked...not to mention I finally found an old friend from high school and joined a different realm to join their rockin guild. Needless to say I haven't been doing many other internet things...other than looking for a job...but that sucks during the holidays...
Anywho, if anyone is playing or wants to play I'm either on Thunderlord (my main) or Fenris realms. Reply to this with your character name, I'll add you to my real id list, and hook up with you when you are on.
For now I'm off to bed...wiped from cleaning the house today cause we have guests. Matt's sister and her fiance are here to spend a day or two. I hardly played WoW today but I at least got to play a little. Hopefully I can play some tomorrow....hopefully. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I've been away from here forever! Wow...
So many things have changed.
I'm living in TN now. Long story on how I got here. Perhaps I'll fill you in when I get the chance.
Right now it's snowing outside. This is the kind of weather locals say doesn't happen down here...wtf...I wanted warmer weather. That's kind of the reason I moved away from CT in the first place.... >.<
But I must come back to why I decided to come back here. I need a place to vent to. I need to post something long and winded and something not on facebook where my parents will see.
I'm scared. I've never had to live away from home before. I moved at the end of October and I haven't really yet looked for a job. I filled out a couple of applications and handed them in, but no one has replied yet. And I haven't bugged them if they've looked at it yet.
The fact is I have crippling panic attacks. The kind where I have trouble breathing or feel like I'm having a heart attack and I'm going to pass out. They are usually strong enough and last long enough that I'm exhausted after having them and want nothing more than to go and sleep for the rest of the day. I know there are medications for them, but I've watch people on the meds for those type of attacks and they end up getting addicted to them or worse, taking stronger ones for other symptoms...
I said no. I'm going to learn to handle them without medications. Even if I have to take baby steps I will. When I get stressed, I already know the signs. Sometimes my tongue tenses and I have trouble talking or swallowing and my muscles start twitching...and I know this is all mental and I can control it, but I'm learning to recognize the signs and try and find ways to calm myself down. I'm getting better. Going shopping or job hunting usually sends me into attacks but I'm trying to handle them. It's definately helping that my fiancee is here to help, but there is only so much he can do. I need to tackle them head on, and I'm going to try and use this place as a way to help me.
I hope it works. I don't want meds.... | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| ...for a change. I can't believe they let me take off Sundays from work. Yes, I get to stay home with my family, and I haven't exactly been able to get along with them, but it's the only family I have out here, and I really need to stick by them. We've stuck by each other through lots worse than this, and I figure I really need to patch my relationship with my parents.
Even if I wasn't the one being the ass.
But then again, if I look at it from her point of view, she is just doing this to help me and to motivate me. And it's sad that I need it.
Last night, I didn't play any game when I came home from work. Actually I watched Bolt with my parents, and then I went upstairs after dinner and watched the Office for a bit while doodling. And my Mom came upstairs and saw what I was doing. She saw I was drawing for a change. Actually its the first time I've picked up a pencil and drew in a while. And I really need to get back into it and improve my drawing styles.
Anywho, I'm not going to make this a really big post. Just a little one. I have stuff to plan for this week. I think I'm going to pull out my planner and start planning my day out again. Or at least I'm going to try. Who knows?
On another note, one of my friends deleted their journal randomly...I just hope that everything is ok. I know that her dad was watching her livejournal so maybe something happened and he made her delete it...I just hope everything is ok, but that was the only way to communicate to her...
Well, I hope things are ok... | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Security: | | | Subject: | Well... | | Time: | 04:14 pm |
|
| ...I made some progress today. Admittedly it was tough because I've had a migraine since Tuesday night and I was finally managing it until today...
I wanted to go to the school to get my stuff fixed on Wednesday but I was so dizzy and I couldn't stand any light cause it made my head throb...So I stayed at Matt's until around 10pm when it was dark enough for me to go home...
I felt better this morning but it got gradually worse again at work...I felt better until my Mom decided to get nasty again with me this morning about getting my grades fixed...She doesn't understand how hard it is to conquer my fear overnight and go...on top of having a migraine...sheesh...
So I left work early today...the lights were bothering me. So I stopped at the school on the way home. Turns out the reason why the dean wasn't answering my e-mails about making an appt was because she was out all week sick...
Crap...
The secretary, said that even if she came in tomorrow I probably wouldn't get to see her because of all the meeting she missed...and next week is Spring Break so I won't be able to meet then...
Argh...Well, she ended up letting me make an appt. for the Monday after Spring Break. YAY! Progress. Unfortunately she started getting rude and wanted to know all the little information I wanted to talk to the dean about...and I said she didn't need to know. After all there was a professor for the Art Dept who I know is a snitch sitting in the office while I'm trying to make the appt. Luckily she didn't know me and I didn't say the Art Dept...So now all I have to do is wait and gather as much information as I can to back myself up...
So after I leave the office triumphant that I made a big step in at least making an appt me locking me into full filling the promise of going down there that Monday and talking wither her, I call my Mom to inform her of the situation and nearly broke down on the phone...and Mom was actually trying to be nice to me...telling me to calm down and that things will work out...
Why is she being such a two face? I don't understand. I'm going to try my hardest to get it fixed but I know she is still going to charge me rent...I just know it.
So now I have some time to kill before I go and have this meeting. I'll work on my Taxes this weekend after stopping by and getting the paper booklets at the library cause they didn't mail them to me this year like they usually do. And I will probably start work on my Resume this weekend, at least so I know Monday what I need to get from my current job to fill out everything I can, and then hand it over to my Dad this week to have him look it over. Maybe it'll show I'm doing more than just playing video games.
So, until Monday, March 30th, we'll have to wait and see the outcome of the meeting. If I don't like what I hear from her (like, too bad, we want your money, so take the classes over...) then I'm going to the President of the University. From what I hear he's very nice and always willing to make time for students. So hopefully it won't come to that.
For now, I'm going to try and get rid of this blasted headache...it's probably from all this stress of trying to get things to work out before my Mom charges me rent...actually I'm quite worried as to what she'll charge me... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| ...and it's slow...
I've screwed up too many things to fix everything overnight. And my parents won't let me forget.
And now I have deadlines.
My school situation. My professors still haven't e-mailed me back. So now I have to collect all my paperwork and go to the dean of my school. This should be fun since she's never in her office and always in meetings. But needless to say that I will get this paperwork together and compose my self to go talk with her to see what solutions we can come up with. I wanted to go today after I got out of work at 9am...but the website was so slow that I couldn't get what I wanted to and now I'll have to try again tomorrow...damn the school for going digital. I didn't get paper copies for most things. They stopped that a while ago, so everything was saved on the website. Too bad their website sucks.
So if I don't get it all together by Wednesday I'm still going to go in with what I have. I want to be prepared. I don't want to just show up empty handed and expect quick answers. But I have to have something worked out with the school by April 1st or my Mom is going to start charging me rent. I don't blame her. I don't have a full time job (I've been trying but I can't get one...so that's why I took the new position I did, it gave me a raise.) But with this new position I'll be making a little more than a brand new full time job somewhere else. And I have the possibility of more hours if people call out or go on vacation. But my Mom says I should have a full time job to be able to pay her rent...which means it's going to be a lot...if I can't get the school stuff to their satisfaction by April 1st I'm going to have to get a second job...which screws up what I want to do featured down further...
Plus, I haven't been working on my resume and portfolio like I should. I didn't take the full time position I could have when I got done with school because I wanted to work on that and my childrens book, which I'm stuck on now and having mental blocks for it...Now I can't get a full time position and she's (my Mom) is telling me since I haven't shown any progress in trying to get a 'real' job or at least finishing my book (she thinks I could slap it together in under a year and send it out...not realizing that costs money without an agent and that it isn't that simple...), that I have no excuse to be working a part time job...and that I have to get a full time job unless I can show her progress...damn...
So here's the situation. Between now and April 1st I have to (1.) have my school stuff worked out with the school and proof of it to show my parents that I have made progress in it and will get it resolved asap; (2.) that I will have my resume completed and handed over to my father (who used to hire as a manager for IBM so he knows what a good resume should have and is willing to help only if I put in the time and effort); (3.) a portfolio that is being compiled of any work that I currently have and start work on stuff to fill in the gaps (also I need to learn how to put it on a dvd to make copies of but that can come later after I get it together); and (4.) to start work on my book again and to make a show of it in front of my parents that I've decided to make it one of my priorities.
So I've made plans to make these things happen:
(1.) I'm currently putting all paperwork together so that I can go to the school on Wednesday and meet with the Dean on my school to see what she can do for me. If I don't hear what I want from her I will make an appointment to meet with the President of the school (from what I hear he's very nice and makes the time to meet with students). I will get whatever the Dean or President says the resolution of the situation will be on a letter head and signed to present to my parents and keep for my own paperwork so that way they won't claim I'm lying if my diploma doesn't arrive in the mail the next day...
(2.) I've been sitting on this one for a while. I'm going to finish getting my paperwork together for this one as well and start putting it together. Even if it isn't pristine and ready to mail out by April 1st, at least I'll have something to show my father and he can help tweak it. And the next step will be...
(3.) Put together a portfolio. Even if it doesn't contain anything current, cause I really haven't had anything done, at least I can have something together with my resume to show my parents. I'll learn how to put it on DVD next so I can copy it in mass numbers, and I'll get the addresses of local companies that currently employ illustrators and send it out, even if they aren't currently hiring. And I'll take pictures of the envelopes to show my parents so they don't think I'm lying before sending them out. Even if I get denied at every single one, at least I'll have tried. And then I'll widen my search...but for now I can't afford to move right away, so closer is better.
(4.) My childrens book. I'm currently trying to write it, but I'm having major mental blocks on anything for it...so I might start doing storyboards or thumbnails of little ideas I want incorporated into it. Anything that will help get the creative juices flowing. Also, I do have another idea for more of a teen book like manga thing so I may start work on that too. And Matt has a web comic idea that he wants me to draw for so I'll have character concepts from that too that I can put into my portfolio. Anything that will get me drawing again and building my portfolio while I look for a job and while I try to get published. And once a week I'll pull my parents together and show them my progress and explain my steps and what I've been doing. Then when they see that there is progress being made then maybe they'll be less harsh on me...maybe...
So, I have alot of work ahead of me. There's not much of March left, but there's April. I just have to prioritize the things that need to be done before April 1st and figure out how much time they'll take. School stuff...dunno...depends on what the Dean or the President say...Resume, shouldn't take that long to put together. Portfolio...should take too long to decide the pieces that should go into it...but learning how to put it together into a digital portfolio to burn on to an interactive DVD so I can make multiple copies and send them out will take a little longer, but if I start then my Dad will help, and he's good with that computer stuff. And drawing again. The main problem that is cited by my parents is that I play video games way too much. Granted I agree with them. There is a time and place for them, and that is when I'm taking or break or done with what I planned on doing for the day....not every day for hours and hours at a time...playing games is getting me nowhere right now. I'm not going to hang them up completely. I've tried that before and it's failed. Too much a temptation. Rather if I limit myself to playing maybe after I accomplished certain things everyday then I'll be okay with playing them.
What I have to do is remind myself that I'm no longer a child, I'm an adult and I need to act like one. I want to get married. I want to have a family. I'm 24...and that's not going to happen if I just sit on my ass and play games all day...
And my parents don't believe a word I say anymore...I don't blame them. I'm a horrible procrastinator. I need to show them proof, not necessarily everyday but often enough that I'm trying to make a life for myself.
I need to find that ambition I had when I was younger...I need that spirit to keep reaching for my dreams and make them come true...
I need to wake up from this groggy monotonous life I'm currently in and pursue what I want to do with my life.
I want a life of my own that I'm proud of, and not one like I'm currently in where I view myself as a failure...like what my parents are always calling me...especially since they've given up on me...
I need to grow up...badly... | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| ...and I'm glad to be relaxing at home for now. I stayed over at Matt's last night, and from now on it'll probably be harder to do until we get our own place. Which is why I accepted the position at work I did, even though I'll be working starting at 5am in the morning...but it means a pay increase. And I need all the money I can get.
I'm hoping to get my money saved up along with Matt saving and get a place this summer. I really hope that will happen. And after we get a place of our own, then I'll plan on the wedding. I must do things one at a time otherwise I'll overwhelm myself and not end up anywhere.
So I'll need to sit down with Matt and plan somethings first. Like each of our budgets. I definitely need to do that. I know we both have bad spending habits that need to be kicked in the bud. We both have video game addictions that we need to stop, although mine is worse. Most of my games I have aren't finished yet. And even though there are new ones out that I would love to play, I decided to get GameFly and rent them that way instead. It's cheaper. Same thing with NetFlix. It's cheaper than going to Blockbuster and it keeps me from buying a 15 dollar movie every week at WallyWorld....lol
So I have enough games to beat. Then I'll have to play all of those in order to get new games, no matter how enticing it is. Of course one new one is fine every now and then but not every week or something like that. I'll figure out something. I was thinking of getting one of those ceramic jars that have some sort of inscription on it, like "rainy day fund" and putting my change into it. Then when it gets full cash it in and see if it's enough for a game. And if it is then I can go out and get one.
I dunno if that's what I'll do, but I definitely need to figure out ways to cut my spending. And I will sit down and figure it out for myself, and then I'll sit down with Matt and help him figure it out. And type it up with copies for each of us, and then we'll help each other stick to budget. And that way if we settle money issues now, when were married it won't be as big a deal.
I'll also be figuring out other things in the coming days. Hopefully I'll be able to get my life together soon instead of letting it fall further apart... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| ...no matter what I did it wasn't enough. She's never acts like this...
After all I've been doing she decides that she wants to charge me rent...because I'm not finding a real job...and usually it's my Dad yelling at me for this.
She did this yesterday just as I was sitting down for breakfast...I lost my appatite and left for work...bad enough that I can't run away from her at work...cause she works in the same place...
I wanted to cry all day. Some of the things she said was very hurtful. Like I should leave Matt cause he's holding me back and only going to continue to drag me down. And alot of things I can't repeat...
...Needless to say I'm quite depressed now...I was feeling better, actually feeling like I'm accomplishing things at home and making them happy...I've now determined nothing can make them happy except for me to leave.
I left work yesterday and went to Matt's and crashed for the night...I didn't want to go home. So what if I was running away. I needed to think things through. I needed to make plans and decide what I need to do over the next year. I needed to figure out my priorities without Mom or Dad trying to patch things up. I'm hurt...and I know by ignoring her I hurt her...but she went too far. I've just felt quite numb today and I'm probably just going to stay in my room. She's coming home soon, and I don't feel like talking to her...I just feel like crying. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| ...and I'm glad to be home...but to think that I had only been there 5 hrs...holy crap...
We had higher up visitors to the store so the boss was going crazy...and I managed to fly through what I had to do...clean upstairs...ugh...
But I got it done and went home and I'm trying to chill for a bit. So much work to do though. But I will get it done. I also have to do my taxes at some point...maybe next week.
I'm happier cause I get to clean a bit today. And my actually did the dishes this morning before going to work. I just have to help finish up. I'm glad she helped. That's all I wanted. I didn't want to come home to this mess to spend three hours cleaning every day. I'd start to demand an allowance again. lol
So anyways, I'm going to cut this short tonight cause I gotta head over to Matt's when I'm done with the chores. And hopefully it won't take me too long. I'm already wiped out. But I'm not letting myself feel wiped out. Too long I've been letting myself think that I'm tired all the time. I need to tell myself I'm not tired and I have lots of energy. Cause I'm young yet and I used to have all the energy in the world. It's just that I realized I'm depressed. I know that. I won't let my parents know. And I don't need medication. I know what my problem is and I'm going to work through it. Only the last resort will be to seek help but it's not that far down in a spiral yet.
So, later...for now. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| ...and that's the last time I get lazy...
All my Mom did this weekend was clean out the fridge...and everyone else left messes...I wanted a day to relax instead of spending all day cleaning again.
So she comes home to a mess and flips out...wtf...
She says I yelled at her the other night for not cleaning up after themselves...I did nothing of the sort...I just said that I will have to do some tidying up that night and she considers that yelling at her for not cleaning on her day off...I know she has a stressful job but come on.
Never again will I actually have a day off. I'm not going to be lazy like I was today. I'm going to get up in the morning after she leaves for work and clean until I'm satisfied. And then I can relax. I get out of work early tomorrow, since they cut my day by a few hours (at least I have 29 hours this week) and so I plan on coming home and cleaning and then get ready to go to Matt's for the evening. I'll probably come home on Wednesday morning to clean and then go back to Matt's. I'm going to go out of my way to keep this place clean especially since my Mom is flipping out on me for not cleaning on my day off...even when I actually have more than 16 hours this week...wtf...and since I get out earlier than her when I do work, that means I have to come home and clean before she gets home...this sucks...
I seriously need to get out of here...I have to move...I need to save. Starting today, I'm going to save every penny I can. I need to leave asap...
And Matt's pissed at me too...he won't answer my texts. He got angry cause I didn't go over to his house tonight. Seriously. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to piss him off too...why is it that I always seem to piss someone else off.
Tomorrow I work for a couple of hours and then come home. I have a alot to accomplish. And I'm going to get them all done. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7){kind=small}
hoshi_no_tenshi's journal
crazy
contemplative
artistic
determined
energetic
distressed
chipper
infuriated